Archive for category relationships
Love is only experienced in giving. Not in getting.
Posted by Kit in development, healing, relationships on May 15, 2011
Unconditional love for self – how to evolve
Relationships and growth
Posted by Kit in development, healing, relationships on March 26, 2011
[P94] Someone with whom we have a lifetime’s worth of lessons to learn is someone whose presence in our lives forces us to grow. Sometimes it represents someone with whom we participate lovingly all our lives, and sometimes it represents someone who we experience as a thorn in our side for years, or even forever. Just because someone has a lot to teach us, doesn’t mean we like them. People who have a lot a teach us are often the ones who reflect back to us the limits of our own capacity to love, those who consciously or unconsciouly challenge our fearful positions. They show us our walls. Our walls are our wounds – the places we feel we can’t love any more, can’t connect any more deeply, can’t forgive past a certain point. We are in each others lives in order to help us see where we most need healing, and in order to help us heal.
[P93] Relationships are assignments. They are part of a vast plan for our enlightenment, the [universe's] blueprint by which each individual soul is led to greater awareness and expanded love. Relationships are the [universe's] laboratories in which it brings together people who have the maximal opportunities for mutual growth. It appraises who can learn most from whom at any given time, and then assigns them to each other.
from A Return to Love by Marianne Williamson
Deflecting bad energy
Posted by Kit in development, healing, relationships on February 20, 2011
To deflect harmful energy sent with intention, I use the metaphor of someone sending me a gift in the mail. I look at the box and decide that I don’t want to recieve the gift. So I write on the box “Return to sender with love” and put it back in the mail. I make sure I am infusing the box with love so I am not sending back harmful energies. In this way, I am not doing harm to another, but at the same time I am standing in my power and not taking on other people’s energy that is not mine.
From “How to Heal Toxic Thoughts” by Sandra Ingerman
Escape from Intimacy
Posted by Kit in relationships on February 2, 2011
I recently read an interesting book about love, sex and romance addiction. It came highly recommended and even though I thought “I’m not a relationship addict”, I discovered that I had a bit to learn.
The author describes..
Some of the skills used to form pseudo (addictive) relationships:
- To be able to establish “instant intimacy”
- To be able to listen even when not interested or involved in what the other person is saying
- To be able consistently to lay aside your own needs for the sake of the relationship
- To know how to “take care” of the other person and quickly move in to meet his/her needs
- To know both how to foster dependency and how to “attach” to the other in a dependent way
- To know how to “compromise” personal needs, values, ethics, or morality for the reltionship (including family, children, and one’s own work)
- To have the ability quickly to recognise a “cosmic mate” or a ” special connection”
- To be able to instantly to share secrets and pour out your life story
- To have an instant physical or sexual attraction
- To be able to fit the other person into romantic fantasies and/or exotic situations haveing special songs, props and symbols for the relationship even when such trappings really have little meaning except for the romantic him/herself.
- To be able to form a “connection” and not know how to be friends
- To establish an immediate intensity or “high” (being “in love”) and allow that high to interfere with daily life
- To feel as though the “relationship” has you in its grip, has taken over your life, and to be able to five youself over to that feeling
- To have the skills (imagined) and desire to “save” the other person from the life he/she has constructed
- To be willing to use the other person to escape the life you have constructed for yourself
- To define everything in one’s existence in terms of the relationship and make the relationship “central” to your life
- To be able to ignore other facets of both lives for the sake of the relationship
- To have the abilty to “make the other feel alive”
- To be able to attract others to you, that is, to emphasise physical appearance, like dressing and fixing oneself up to attract others
- To be able to ignore aspects of the person you do not trust or like. To be able to ignore unshared valus, hopes anf fears and see the other only through the eyes of illusion
- To be able to accept blame and fault for anything that goes wrong in the relationship
- To be able to “hang in there” much past the point of sanity
- To have the ability to shut off your feelings and awareness in the service of the relationship
- To have the ability to “enter into the others world completely”
- To know how to use the “skills’ of communication for form immediate relationships, the “skills” being much more important than being fully present to the other person
- To be able to use manipulation and impression managemen to try to be what the other wants in order to “hook” the other into the relationship
- To have the ability to “take on” and “feel” the others’ feelings
- To have the ability to accept jealously as an indication of true love
- To have the ability to attach yourself to people who “like” you first
- To have the ability to use “honesty” as a con
- To have the ability to use your intuition to explain or “understand” the other
- To have developed the skills of seduction, flirtation and titillation to a fine art
- To have the skill to look intimately involved while keeping safely hidden behind your wall
- To have learned to interpert intensity as love and, therefore to assume that when we feel intensity about someone what we are feling is love
- The ability to lose your boundaries in the relationship
- To be able to suffer endlessly for the relationship
- To be able to gaze lovingly into the others’ eyes with a look resembling a dying calf in a mudhole
..and here is their list for “healthy relationships”
- To be able to “wait with” the evolution of a relationship
- To be able to be honest when once isn’t interested or cannot listen
- To recognise and accept one’s own needs and honour them
- To care for, not take care of, the other
- To know that dependency in any form kills relationships; to honour the integrity of the slf and the other
- To know that one cannot compromise one’s spiritual and moral values without eroding the relationship
- To be present to the self and the other and share intimacy where appropriate
- To know physical loving evolves as intimacy grows
- To know the relationship is only one important aspects of one’s total life
- To be unwilling to trun one’s life over to anyone
- To accept responsibilty for one’s own life and recognise the other’s responsibility for his/her life
- To be honest with oneself about who the other is and what important values, hopes and fears are not shared
- To see the other and the self clearly, without judgment
- To know that blame has no place in intimacy and to be willing to own one’s mistakes without judgment
- To be unwilling to accept physical, emotional or spiritual battering
- To be able to share “worlds” while maintaining one’s own
- To be present
- To take risks and be vulnerable with the other
- To share feelings as one feels them
- To have and respect boundaries
- To know the suffering is not love – pain will occue, suffering is a choice
- To live one’s own process and repsect the process of the other, whatever it is
- To give information and let it go witout trying to control what the other does with it
- To know that love annot be created or manipulated. Love is a gift
Needing approval
Posted by Kit in development, relationships on February 1, 2010
[P78] There is something in the human psyche that feels the need for approval from everyone in their universe. Let’s remove some of the strain by suggesting that 50% of the time you will get approval, and 50% of the time you will not. This could be a great relief! You might even be able to relax enough after you had achieved your 50% to relax and enjoy your day. No one who is being themselves is going to be approved of all the time.
From I come as a brother – A Remembrance of Illusions – Bartholomew
Our relationships are manifestations of our relationship with ourself
Posted by Kit in development, relationships on October 6, 2009
It is often a truth of human relationships that our early psychology betrays us: we engage in relationships in ways that only partially express our true selves. As a result, the relationships we create tend to be manifestations of where we have lost contact with ourselves. A relationship is an energetic alchemy that two or more people create together which has the potential to accentuate the closeness or distance of each from his or her true self. How close to, or how far from, our true selves we live determines the quality of the relationships we create.
From “The Mandala of Being” by Richard Moss
Joseph Campbell, the famous mythologist, observed that all of us are seeking in myraid ways meaning and purpose in our lives, but that what we really want is the experience of feeling totally alive and completely free.
How to relate when someone else is in pain
Posted by Kit in development, relationships on October 6, 2009
- I have sympathy for you. I know what you’re going through.
- You don’t have to feel a certain way just to make me happy.
- I will help you get through this.
- You don’t have to be afraid that you are driving me away.
- I don’t expect you to be perfect. You aren’t letting me down.
- This pain you are going through isn’t the real you.
- You can have the space you need, but I won’t let you be alone.
- I will be as real with you as I can be.
- I won’t be afraid of you, even though you may be afraid of your pain.
- I will do all I can to show you that life is still good and joy still possible.
- I can’ take your pain on as my responsibility.
- I won’t let you hold on to your pain – we are here to get through this.
- I will take your healing as seriously as my own well-being.
From “The Book of Secrets” by Deepak Chopra
Conflict checklist
Posted by Kit in development, relationships on October 6, 2009
When I find myself being overshadowed by anything, I can fall back on a few simple steps:
- I say to myself, “This situation may be shaking me, but I am more than any situation”
- I take a deep breath and focus my attention on whatever my body is feeling
- I step back and see myself as another person would see me (preferably the person whom I am resisting or reacting to)
- I realise that my emotions are not reliable guides to what is permanent and real. They are momentary reactions, and most likely they are born our of habit
- If I am about to burst out with uncontrollable reaction, I walk away.
From “The Book of Secrets” by Deepak Chopra
Different perspectives
Posted by Kit in development, inspiration, relationships on October 3, 2009
[P116] Lets take an example: You stop at a red light on the way home, but the car behind you doesn’t stop and rear-ends you. When you jump out to confront the other driver, he is not apologetic. Sullenly, he begins to give you his insurance information. In one operating system the following implications come into play:
- This stranger doesn’t have my best interests in mind.
- If he is lying, I could be left with all the damages.
- I am the aggrieved party, and he should recognise that.
- I may have to force him to cooperate.
As these ideas come into play, consider the possibility that the car accident didn’t cause them – they were already imprinted in your mind waiting for the moment they’d be needed. You aren’t seeing the situation as it really is but only through your programmed perception. In a different operating system the following implications are equally valid.
- This accident was no accident; it’s a reflection of myself.
- This stranger is a messenger.
- When I find out why this event happened, I will uncover some aspect of myself.
- I need to pay more attention to some kind of hidden or stuck energy. When I deal with it, i will be glad this accident happened.
From “The Book of Secrets” by Deepak Chopra
To listen empathetically
Posted by Kit in development, relationships on October 2, 2009
To listen empathetically requires tremendous love and courage. To be empathetic is to fearlessly step in to the feelings of others, whatever they may be. Listening empathetically leads to discovering others’ worlds, thereby expanding one’s own.
Negativity
Posted by Kit in development, relationships on September 16, 2009
[P94] Those in the negative state know best how to hurt others. Instinctively, they know where people are vulnerable. They will hurt you with their attacks.
There are many forms of genius and the genius here is not to identify with their attacks.
The negativity of others can hit us with almost physical force. But instead of taking the hit painfully in the chest, become a swirling vapour through which all passes. Refuse to identify with it, let it pass through you, leaving no trace of resentment within. The people who do such things – they are asleep. They don’ t know what they do. Just as I do not know what I do, and you do not know what you do. So refuse to identify either with your negativity or theirs.
It has been wisely said that as long as we are joined with someone in a negative state we cannot know them. We cannot know anyone in a state of anger, bitterness, jealousy or resentment.
- From “A beautiful life” by Simon Parke
Us vs Them
Posted by Kit in development, exercises, relationships on July 21, 2009
[P104] Exercise: Us vs Them
Look for a moment at someone in your life who bothers you. Describe three things about this person that you do not like, thinking that you want them to change.
Now look deeply inside of you and ask yourself “When am I like that, and when do I do the same things?”
Close your eyes and give yourself the time to do this. Then ask yourself if you ARE WILLING TO CHANGE. When you remove these patterns, habits and beliefs from your thinking and behaviour, either they will change or leave your life.
From ‘You Can Heal Your Life’ by Louise L. Hay
Non Violent Communication
Posted by Kit in development, relationships on July 14, 2009
[P16] …If my partner wants more affection than I’m giving her, she is “needy and dependent”. But if I want more affection than she is giving me, then she is “aloof and insensitive”. If my colleague is more concerned about details than I am, he is “picky and compulsive”. On the other hand if I am more concerned about details than he is, he is “sloppy and disorganised”.
It is my belief that all such analyses of other human beings are tragic expressions of our own values and needs. They are tragic because, when we express our values and needs in this form, we increase defensiveness and resistance to them among the very people whose behaviours are of concern to us. Or, if they do agree to ac in harmony with uotr values because they occur with out analysis of their wrongness, they will likely do so out of fear guilt, or shame.
We all pay dearly when people respond to our values and needs, not out of a desire to give from the heart, but out of fear, guilt, or shame. Sooner or later, we will experience the consequences of diminished goodwill on the part of those who comply with our values out of a sense of either external or internal coercion. They too, pay emotionally, for they are likely to feel resentment and decreased self-esteem when they respond to us out of fear, guilt, or shame. Furthermore, each time others associate us in their minds with any of those feelings, we decrease the likelihood of their responding compassionately to our needs and values in the future.
From ‘Non-Violent Communication’ by Marshall Rosenberg
Love and relationships
Posted by Kit in development, relationships, spirituality on June 16, 2009
[P115] So now, as parents, spouses and loved ones, seek not to make of your love a glue that binds, but rather a magnet that first attracts, then turns around and repels, lest those who are attracted begin to believe they must stick to you to survive. Nothing could be further from the truth. Nothing could be more damaging to another.
Let your love propel your beloveds into the world – and into the full experience of who they are. In this will you have truly loved.
[P122] The purpose of a relationship is to decide what part of yourself you’d like to see ” show up”, not part of another you can capture and hold.
[P123] Here is the paradox of all human relationship: You have no need for a particular other in order for you to experience, fully, Who You Are, and…without another, you are nothing.
This is both the mystery and the wonder, the frustration and the joy of the human experience. It require deep understanding and total willingness to live within this paradox in a way which makes sense.
[P125]
…Losing of the Self in a relationship is what causes most of the bitterness in such couplings.
Loving consciously
Posted by Kit in relationships on June 15, 2009
[P98] To love another human being is to know and love his or her person. This presupposes a commitment to seeing and understanding the object of our love. ” Love” without sight or knowledge is a contradiction in terms. What would it mean to say ” I love you” if I neither see you nor know who you are nor exhibit any desire to do so? It can only mean ” please don’t distract me with the reality of who you are. I am preoccupied with my dream of you”
However, from early in the relationship, we can begin to reflect: What is it about this person that most stimulates and attracts me? What factors are psychological or spiritual and which are physical? What do I like about what this person projects? What do I see in this person’s character that I admire? Do I have any reservations or misgivings? If so, what do they concenr, and how can I check them out? What do I disklike (if anything), and waht importantce does that have form e in the scale of my values? What do we seem to have in common, and why do I think so? In what ways might we be incompatible and why do I think so?
This excerpt was taken from “The Art of Living Consciously” by Nathaniel Branden
Ego
Posted by Kit in development, inspiration, relationships on May 14, 2009
[P217] How many people give up their dreams and aspirations in deference to the needs and demands of others because they dread the charge of being egocentric. This is an open secret: almost everyone knows it and almost no one talks about it. Instead, we go in insisting that ego is the cause of all our misery.
This excerpt was taken from “The Art of Living Consciously” by Nathaniel Branden
Soulful Relationships
Posted by Kit in relationships, spirituality on May 11, 2009
Steve Pavlina has a cool article about this here, he writes:
The mindset of empowered relationships
So what is the mindset that makes it so much easier to relate to people? Here it is in a nutshell:
Everyone you meet in your life — even total strangers — is already intimately connected to you. The idea that we are all separate and distinct beings is nothing but an illusion. We are all parts of a larger whole, like individual cells in a body.
Moreover, everyone and everything you see out there in your world are reflections of you. Just as the cells in an organism carry the same DNA, other people are walking around with some part of you inside them. When you look at other people, you’re really looking at yourself. When you notice other people, it’s just like your eyes observing your hands. We’re all parts of the same whole.
Here are some facets of this interconnected model of relationships:
* Oneness – Other people are not separate and distinct from you. In fact, they are you.
* Connectedness – You don’t have to “build” relationships with others because you’re already connected. You need only tune into the pre-existing connection that’s already there.
* No risk – Little or no courage is required to approach strangers. You’re never actually building new connections from scratch. You’re just recognizing what’s already there.
* Equality – You can feel just as close to total strangers as you do to your friends.
* Significance – All relationships are significant; none are irrelevant. Even the strangers you pass on the street are important parts of you.
* Love without attachment – Letting go of harmful relationships is easier because you’re still unconditionally connected to everyone else. As you release old relationships that no longer serve you, you’ll attract new ones that are compatible with you.
…I think the reason this mindset is so effective is that when you assume a pre-existing connection with another person, s/he will tend to respond in kind. Usually the best way to break the ice with someone is to assume there never was any ice to begin with.
Applying the empowering mindset
When you adopt the mindset that we’re all inherently connected, these are some of the actions and results that will come naturally to you:
* Easy rapport – You’ll connect with strangers almost as easily as you connect with your closest friends, sometimes more easily. The difference between strangers and friends is intellectual familiarity, but you can tap into an intuitive familiarity even with someone you’ve never met.
* Fairness – You’ll begin to feel a kinship with everyone, regardless of familiarity.
* Attraction – Because you’re always open to connecting with people, you’ll begin attracting new relationships fairly easily. Compatible people will be drawn to you.
* Synchronicity – You’ll experience a swell in synchronicities that lead to chance encounters, meeting people you feel very drawn to meet.
* Social courage – Have you ever seen someone at a distance you felt you were supposed to meet? Have you ever run into the same stranger multiple times in the same day? With the right belief system, you’ll feel confident beginning a conversation with such people, and you’ll find that your hunches were right on — you were supposed to meet.
* Deeper relationships – You’ll enjoy deeper, less superficial relationships, getting to know people at the level of soul.
* Energy – You’ll attract relationships that energize you rather than drain you.
* Reading people – Because we’re all connected, you can mentally connect with other people and literally share the same thoughts in a way that goes beyond words, voice, and body language. You can even do it at a distance. With practice you can get an accurate read on someone you’ve never met, picking up specific data about that person that you couldn’t have known in a purely objective sense. Practice increases both your accuracy and your ability to trust the information you pick up.
Gary Zukav on Judging
Posted by Kit in development, relationships on May 10, 2009
Judging [P270] Until you can acknowledge that you possess the same characteristics you judge harshly in others, you will become enraged, disappointed, angry and contemptuous when you see them in others. The longer you deny them, the more prominent they become. At the same time, the more judgmental you become of them in others. Individuals will appear in your life, or reappear, who upset you. You will judge them until you finally realise that you discontent – judgement – for any of your fellow students in the Earth school is discontent with and harsh judgement of yourself. Then you will be able to change those characteristics in yourself.
[P272] Judging prevents you from revealing yourself to yourself and others. It is a barrier against vulnerability.
from The Heart of the Soul – Gary Zukav
Pleasing
Posted by Kit in development, inspiration, relationships on May 5, 2009
Pleasing [P171] The desire to please other people is a potent way to distract yourself from what you are feeling. While you are trying to avoid the displeasure of others, you are in extreme displeasure yourself. You are tense and ready for the worst. Your focus is on other people and what they are experiencing. You ignore you own experiences, except those of anxiety and fear.
[P179] Pleasing prevents you from experiencing your emotions because you are attempting to feel the emotions that other people are experiencing. You becomes lost in the attempt. You feel judged by one, disapproved by another, accepted by a third and so on. You own emotions are inaccessible to you because you are focused elsewhere.
from The Heart of the Soul – Gary Zukav
Your role in a relationship (exercise)
Posted by Kit in development, exercises, relationships on February 22, 2009
Here’s a cool exercise in “How One of you can bring the two of your together”
Complete this sentence in as many ways as seem appropriate.
In our relationship, I (use either expect, want, or hope for, whichever seems more appropriate for your sentence)
Here are some examples
- In our relationship, I want John to be as affectionate and attentive and thoughtful as he was when we were courting
- In our relationship, I want us to agree much more on how to treat the children
- In our relationship, I want Sam to spend more time at home and take more interest in running the household and taking care of the kids
Now go back to each sentence and add to the end of it. “…and I feel _____ about it. “Or if you feel like taking a little bit of a leap, say instead , “..and I choose to feel ____ about it”. For example
- In our relationship, I want John to be as affectionate and attentive and thoughtful as he was when we were courting, and I choose to feel disappointed about it.
- In our relationship, I expect Sally to bring in her share of the income and I choose to feel angry about it
To complete the process of identifying your half of the script in your relationship, all you have to do is add the words “My role in the relationship is to” to the beginning of each of your sentences. Also in the second half, change “I” to “to”, so the sentences will now read:
- My role in our relationship is to want John to be as affectionate and attentive and thoughtful as he was when we were courting and to feel disappointed about it.
- My role in our relationship is to want John to take more interest in me and my business and to feel sad about it
Quite an awesome wee exercise to potentially open your eyes to things you may not have realised.
Sedona Method “disagreements” exercise
Posted by Kit in exercises, relationships on February 18, 2009
I haven’t tried this exercise from “The Sedona Method” [P 338] yet but it sounds like a great way of getting your partners perspective in a disagreement.
Step 1: Both partners argue full out for their own points of view. Do this with as much feeling and import as possible, however, there is one important qualifier: you may only use the word “blah”. Do not use any other words. Simply argue the way you usually do – even exaggerate a little – yet avoid actual language.
Keep arguing until you both feel you have gotten your point across to the best of your abilities. Then, take a few moments to release whatever this activity has stirred up before going to step 2.
Step 2. Now, both partners argue each others points of view. This time use words and allow yourself to step into your partner’s shoes as much as possible. Argue as thoroughly for your partners point of view as you argued for you own. As best you can, feel and express your partner’s emotions – even use your partner’s mannerisms.
Keep arguing like this until you have both run out of things to say. Then take a few moment to release whatever this activity has stirred up.
Step 3. Share what you’ve discovered with your partner. Take as much time as you need to talk through and release toegther on any feelings, thoughts, insights and beliefs that arose during this exerise.
Sedona Method “releasing about a person” exercise
Posted by Kit in development, exercises, relationships on February 16, 2009
Another cool exercise from “The Sedona Method” [P 236] The Cleanup Procedure
1. Begin by visualising the face of the person you have chosen to release about.
2. Then ask yourself the following questions one at a time allowing your underlying wants to surface. Start with the set of questions about control and stay with that question until you feel that you can “grant that person the right to be”the way he or she is. Most times, completely letting go is just a decision. If you’re open to it, it’s possible to reach this point very quickly, but take all the time you need.
Relationships and conflict
Posted by Kit in relationships on February 11, 2009
I’m re-reading a cool book called “How one of you can bring the two of you together” by Susan Page. I’ve been putting bookmarks in the pages that have useful but then decided to take down all the best bits in this blog. Here are a few excerpts.
[Pg 8] “Unfortunately, often the most natural and automatic response to a difficult situation is precisely the one that is not only ineffective but actually counterproductive. A simple example is when Mark, in a moment of frustration, says to John, “You never help around the house!” John is likely to respond, “Yes I do!” I cleaned out the whole garage last weekend.”This is a natural, quite reasonable. But it is not productive. If John could say, “You must be feeling extra frustrated right now. Is there anything I can do to help?” this wouldn’t be a natural response, but it would be far more effective abd relationship enhancing. Mary’s original comment wasn’t effective either, of course. But she was feeling it right then, so she blurted it out. Quite normal and understandable.”
[Pg 10]“A love relationship works only when it empowers both partners to become more of their true selves, not less. Denying your needs to keep peace is one of the worst ways you can work alone to improve your relationship, and it is the most insidious, because it is, by definition, unconscious. (If you are award of what you are denying, then you aren’t denying it!).”
How to see others
Posted by Kit in inspiration, relationships on January 15, 2009
“Practice seeing each individual person as a greater being than their surface-presentation and that person will have the space to actualise their self-image.”
Neale Donald Walsch in “Conversations with God” says:
[P142] You will never dis-serve your relationship – nor anyone – by seeing more in another that they are showing you. For there is more there. Much more. It is only their fear that stops them from showing you. If others notice that you see them as more, they will feel safe to show you what you obviously already see….
People tend to see in themselves what we see in them. The grander our vision, the grander their willingness to access and display the part of them we have shown them.
Isn’t that how all truly blesses relationships work? isn’t that part of the healing process – the process by which we give people permission to “let go” of every false thought they’ve ever had about themselves?
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The Hunger Site
